TO THE LOSS MUM ON YOUR DUE DATE

When a baby dies during pregnancy, it can quickly feel as though the universe is working against you. You unfollow countless accounts because suddenly everyone seems to share your due date. You close your eyes and turn away from the constant updates and reminders of where you should be and what you should be looking forward to. It’s not bitterness or jealousy, just a crucial piece of the self-care puzzle. Friends bloom and bellies swell everywhere. You give up your seat on the tube to the woman more deserving, more capable of carrying life. Another blow to your fragile heart.

The road to recovery is bumpy and complicated. Those first few days are raw. Sometimes it feel like your soul is on fire, even though outwardly things might seem ok. You gather strength from anything that helps: loved ones, quiet time, sleep. Slowly you draw the pieces of your broken heart together again. You discover thoughts and feelings in yourself you never knew existed. Is this a good thing? You just don’t know. 

When at last you thought it was safe to resurface, there it is in your calendar. The due date. Carried on the breeze of the changing season. There’s no mistaking the warmth in the air that should’ve meant more to you than this. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry these days don’t hold more for you. The promise of the past echoes in your ears, try as you might to move on.

When I count my losses, it’s easy to feel hard done by. The “why me’s” and the “not fairs” seem to show up in abundance. I dread each doctor and the looks of pity. I’m envious of the young. Pole position in the baby race must be fun. The road ahead clear, no obvious dangers to hold you back. What it must be to get through pregnancy emotionally unscathed, blissfully unaware of what it takes to make a healthy baby. When I’m honest with myself though, I know I’m over-simplifying. What’s that saying? If we all threw our problems into the pile, wouldn’t most choose to take our own away with us? 

So to those new mums or those to be, I honestly wish you well. Of course I do. I don’t begrudge you a single thing, I guess I just really miss is my innocence. 

And to the loss mum on your due date, just know that you’re not alone. Those difficult feelings are ours to share and I’m thinking of you, always. 

Suzie x

p.s. If you, or someone you know is parenting after loss and struggling to cope, I wrote a book in the hopes that it might help. Click below to find out more….