THESE PRECIOUS LITTLE PEOPLE - GUEST POST WITH FRANKIE BRUNKER
With the recent release of my book The Rallying Cry : Healing the Hardest Parts of Life Through Creativity, I want to keep the conversation going. So many of us find comfort in making, but what is it we’re drawn to? Why is it so helpful? And how do we find inspiration? These are all things I’m keen to explore here, through a series of creative self-care guest posts.
Before we get started, today’s post may be triggering for some. Our guest writer, Frankie Brunker, shares the story of her daughter Esme, who was stillborn in 2013. Frankie took her grief, pain and love and used it to create something beautiful and heart-warming. Something that could help other families. She created a children’s book: These Precious Little People, to help siblings understand why their much wanted baby brother or sister won’t be coming home and how they can learn to live alongside their grief. Here is Frankie’s story…
Can you tell us about your beautiful daughter Esme?
The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was her mum. I spent the next nearly 8 months proudly nurturing my precious cargo and eagerly awaiting her arrival. From our 12 week scan she was nicknamed ‘Our Magic Bean’ as she was jumping all over the screen like she was mirroring our excitement. From her activity in my womb we would wonder if I was growing a future Olympic athlete or gymnast (my husband is a PE teacher so I figured it was one of the two). In September 2013 all our fantasies about the life we imagined watching our first child grow up were destroyed: her movements ceased and we discovered her heart had stopped beating. But the love that had grown alongside her remained – that love not only continued to exist but strengthen. Our daughter had ‘gone’, our arms were empty, but we knew that she would forever remain part of our family, whatever the future held for us. We were broken and utterly lost without her, but she inspired us to carry on, to live our lives in honour of her. Esme is and will forever be ‘our missing piece’. But we think of her with so much affection and can easily recall the joy she brought us in her short life despite the sadness that comes with wishing things were different. I will always wonder who she would have been, and often ponder on the people we would have been had she lived. I believe that she made us more appreciative, considerate and careful parents to her siblings. To quote C.S. Lewis: “Her absence is like the sky: spread over everything.”
Did you find the creative process helpful in turning towards your own grief?
I think it gave me an anchor and purpose in some ways. I turned to writing (just for myself) almost straightaway after Esme died. My mum gave me a blank lined notebook to use as a journal that became such a cathartic outlet for the immense emotional pain that was overwhelming me on a daily, sometimes hourly basis in those early weeks and months. I immediately started work on a scrapbook for Esme too, which I treasure far more than the memory box that was given to us at the hospital (although this is something we are so grateful to have). I also discovered Carly Marie Dudley early on – her Project Heal, Capture My Grief and Prayer Flag ideas spoke to my soul and over the years have allowed me to mother Esme in ways I doubt I would have come up with on my own. After my son was born I felt I had a lot less time and energy to be creative, but the idea I had for an illustrated book for the baby loss community was playing on a loop in my head to the point that I couldn’t ignore it!
Can you tell us about your book - what would you like people to know?
These Precious Little People is my way of paying tribute to all babies gone too soon. The ones who were so loved, so wanted, but for various reasons couldn’t stay. I wanted families who had been affected by the death of a baby (at any stage of pregnancy, during labour or soon after birth) to be able to read it and feel like they could relate, that they could get some comfort from it and feel less alone.
Why did it feel important to create it?
When Esme died and young children within the family had to be told my instinct was to turn to books – to help them understand but also to help them to remember Esme with love and pride. I felt so disappointed and frustrated that there wasn’t anything in existence that felt right – if it wasn’t the illustrations that didn’t feel good enough, the language jarred. I knew I couldn’t be the only one to be feeling this way and I wanted families to have something they could turn to in their time of need.
What advice would you give to parents who are struggling to know what to say to children about the death of a baby they were excited to meet and grow up alongside?
It’s totally normal to find it impossibly difficult. Our instincts are to protect children, and it can feel unbearably cruel for them to lose their innocence as well as their dream of a new sibling or cousin. On top of our own heartache, we have to face difficult and heart-breaking questions as they process and come to terms with the news. But as with many tricky topics, this is a conversation that you will return to – remembering this can take the pressure off to say everything you want to say about it and for it to land exactly the way you had hoped. Children will deal with it in their own way, and, given time and support, they will develop their own ways to cope and heal. You don’t have to struggle in silence or do it alone either – there is peer support available through charities like Sands and Joel The Complete Package, as well as a hugely caring baby loss community on the internet to reach out to.
Can you tell us a little about the writing and illustration process? How did the book come together and take shape?
I wrote the book over several months (lines coming to me in the shower, on my commute to work, or when I was out walking/running), and refined it over time. I then had to dig deep to find the courage to believe it was ready for a wider audience. I had some very kind and helpful people give me really useful feedback that pushed me to tweak some of the wording and get it into a position to pitch to an illustrator. I found Gillian on Facebook (through an interior design group we both happened to be part of), checked out her background and portfolio, and felt confident she was a good fit for the project in terms of her style and ethics. I reached out to her to see if she was interested in being involved and thankfully she agreed very readily, offering a very generous reduction on her going rate given the subject matter and charitable aims of the project. It was scary but super exhilarating to be getting going with it all, and we worked on it as a team throughout the rest of the writing/illustration process. Joel The Complete Package covered Gillian’s fees and I launched a crowdfunder type campaign to pay for the rest of the publication costs. Families could pre-order copies and their little ones gone too soon feature within the book as a thank you for their support. It was incredibly humbling and heartwarming to have so many wonderful families believing in the project too and helping it become a reality - I love that so many beautiful babies are immortalised in print on the dedication page.
What has the response to your book been like? How has it made you feel to see it out in the world?
It’s an absolute dream come true – the response has been so heartfelt and warm. I feel like it has genuinely touched a lot of families and helped them come together in their grief. That was always my intention – to make what is a horribly disorientating, discombobulating and traumatic time just that little bit easier to navigate.
Where can we find your book?
It’s available through the Joel The Complete Package shop or via Amazon UK. All proceeds from sales of the book go to Joel The Complete Package.
Thank you for writing so candidly, Frankie. So much of what you’ve said resonates, as I’m sure it will with many other parents. For more information on These Precious Little People, including reviews, support links, and Frankie’s blog, click here to check out her website.
