COPING WITH LOSS THROUGH CREATIVITY

Before we get started: This post was originally shared with my email community in January 2020.

I spend a lot of time reflecting on the idea of creative living and how much it helps me. I shared some thoughts with my community of subscribers a few weeks ago and thought I’d share them here too. If you’d like to receive letters like this to your inbox every other Saturday, you can sign up below. You’ll also receive two free photography e-books: Simple Snaps & Looking for Light.

I’ve been thinking about New Year a lot this January. This time last year I was still reeling from my second TFMR. All my cards were thrown into the air and only the most important fell back into my lap. That truly felt like a fresh start. One I didn’t want or ask for but one that I’m increasingly grateful for, in spite of the crippling grief and the loss of my precious little girl. You see, her loss brought everything in my life into laser focus. It made me question how on earth I could ever feel hope again and ask myself what I could do to get there. It was like one giant wake up call. 

As time’s gone on, everyday since has felt a little like groundhog day. Grief is hard, healing never linear. Everyday I’ve had to wake up and learn to cope with loss all over again. There’s that great line from the English Patient : “Every night I cut out my heart but in the morning it was full again”. That’s kind of how it’s felt. 

But in having to try again every single day, I’ve unwittingly become stronger. The sum of 365 tiny daily efforts. You see, we’re never truly starting all over again. Time is really just one long line and every passing moment is another chance to make some changes. A chance to work towards building a life you can love. As Austin Kleon writes, we create every day from scratch. So that’s not just one chance in a year to get it right…that’s 365 chances. Some days you’ll fly and some days you’ll cry but please don't think for one minute that you’ve missed the boat.

I used to feel as though I had to pay attention to these opportunities for fresh starts and new beginnings but I rarely feel as though I’ve missed the boat anymore, even though I’ve found myself in deep, dark waters. Creating daily has become my lighthouse, the words and pictures I make are the flotsam and jetsam I cling to. I’ve become a person who makes things. There’s something about being able to create, even when I feel as though I’m failing at creating life, that is very empowering. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Picasso. My daily creations are little more than taking a few photos (with my big camera or iPhone), writing a little and/or music-making on my ukulele. Stolen moments here and there that on their own don't seem like much but when added together make a huge difference in my life.

And so, with the New Year and the pressure to jump onto the “New Year, new you” bandwagon, I’m left wondering if it’s not so much about how fast you come out of the gate, but where you’re heading and whether you’re willing to just keep going. To keep trying. Some days you’ll swim further, with the sun in your face and the tide behind you. And some days it’ll be a mere doggy-paddle, barely anything really, just enough to keep your head above water and keep you moving forward.

If life is teaching me anything it’s that all we ever really have is now, today, this moment and the chance to save yourself.

“I think of my writing simply in terms of pleasure. It’s the most important thing in my life: making things. Much as I love my husband and children, I love them only because I am the person who makes things. I am who I am is the person who has the project of making a thing. And because that person does that all the time, that person is able to love all those other people.” -AS Byatt