BREATHING IN & LETTING GO : Parenting after Loss
When I was pregnant with daughter I was frequently asked, “so do you feel like you can relax now?”. I’d passed the 23 week mark, the point where my son, Charlie had passed away. All scans and tests (so far) seemed okay and I should've been celebrating. I should've been planning baby showers and nursery themes but something inside held me back.
After Charlie, my voice became a whisper. I waited for the green man to tell me I could cross the road. My head hung low and fear lurked around every corner. When I fell pregnant with again, I waited patiently for the anxiety to subside, only looking as far forward as the next tiny milestone.
The night my little girl was born I was woken by her spluttering and struggling for breath. I remember morbidly thinking “oh this is it, this is the moment I knew was coming all along.” The midwife was there at the push of a button. She deftly picked her up, popped her over her arm and patted her on the back. A gush of fluid rushed from her little lungs and all was well again. I could hardly believe it.
Trauma stays with you in so many ways. The sword of Damocles hangs heavy and it's so hard to believe in the good. To have faith. To let go.
I hoard precious memories like a magpie. A video here, a handprint there and of course, hundreds of photos. I struggle to delete the ones I’ll never edit. I want every little piece of her I can get my hands on. I’m making hay while the sun shines. I write letters to her and store them in safe places for the day I might no longer be here. This might seem strange to some but it works for me. It helps me feel better. I’ve found my own weird way to co-exist with loss. I don't think I live an anxious life but a mindful one.
Every day with her is precious. The happy days and the tear-stained tantrum days, I’ll gladly take them all. Taking nothing for granted is the unexpected gift of love after loss.
I'm learning to accept my losses as part of who I am. My coping strategies to get through each day feel right for me but they’re a work in progress, for sure. We do what we can, don't we?
We can’t change the past. We can’t predict the future. There’s so much that feels out of our control. I have no real answers, but what works for me right now is exploring my true feelings, and owning them completely.
In a wider sense, I actually don’t think my thoughts are all that exclusive to my child loss journey. It’s fair to say that we all worry about our little ones. Elizabeth Stone once wrote: “Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.”
What a great analogy. That’s it exactly.
We all face times of worry and anxiety as parents. What really counts is how we bear the load.
Suzie x
