HOW TO HAVE A CALM CHRISTMAS

When it comes to Christmas, there’s a certain pressure that seems to start earlier and earlier each year. The inexorable march of time. Alluring adverts would have us believe that all we need to do to find our perfect place around the fire is spend, spend, spend. Seductive shortcuts to happiness are ephemeral at best but for those of us struggling with anxiety, grief or depression, they don’t even touch the sides. 

I think it’s safe to say for that those of us parenting after loss, Christmas can present a bonkers dichotomy of emotions. On the one hand, you’re busy making arrangements to give your earth babies the happiest time of the year but on the other, you become acutely aware that a part of your heart is missing.

With several pregnancies including two TFMR under my belt, my one living child feels like the biggest blessing to me. Especially given the fact that her birthday falls on Christmas Eve. And I am so very grateful, don’t get me wrong. The truth is though, it’s a strange and painful time. Joy and gratitude coupled with grief and guilt. In all honesty, it’s exhausting. 

So if you’re feeling anything like me, how can we ride the rollercoaster? Maybe you’re missing a loved one or family relationships are little strained right now? Maybe you just find the whole thing a little stressful or overwhelming? Well if that’s the case, here’s what I’m planning to do an an effort to face the challenges with equanimity. It’s an imperfect plan, the success of which will largely rely on my ability to listen to myself. To find out what my heart really needs at any given moment and respond with self-compassion and patience. So here’s a few ways in which I intend to approach the festive period with my best foot forward– because there’s nothing worse than being stuck in my head with negative thoughts and feelings.

Be Helpful & Kind

Helping people has been proven to improve happiness levels. A study was done at Emory university where brain activity was recorded as the research participants helped others. These acts of helping other people triggered the brain activity associated with pleasure and reward. The study was able to determine that helping others really does bring us the same pleasure we get from the gratification of personal desire.

Much of my time these days is spent helping mums learn photography, embrace creative self-care and build businesses they can see themselves in. Although this is how I make my living, I think there will always be a certain amount of things I do and give away for free for the simple reason that it feels GOOD. 

Simple gestures can be enough to make someones day a little better as well as your own. Slowing down behind the learner driver. Holding doors open. Smiling and being friendly. Taking a moment to remember that the people you pass on the street could be going through something really difficult, something you know nothing about.  Even (especially) the angry commuter on the tube. Establishing a kindness practice is something that takes a little effort everyday but one which pays back in spades. 

Permission to say no 

Choosing kindness feels less easy when you’re in a rush. Nine times out of ten when I find myself tempted to snap at my little girl,  it will be due to a frustration related to time. The length of time spent trying to convince her to eat her dinner or the amount of time spent trying to get her shoes on so we won’t be late. Being able to create space for these typical toddler challenges feels important to me. That might mean gently saying no to a few festive invites or requests. If it makes my chest feel tight to think about how I’ll fit it in, I’ll practise courage and say no. There are ways to politely decline without hurting someone’s feelings and it often feels worth protecting the space around the different parts of my day to give me the best chance to be the best version of me.

If I accept my limitations, set boundaries and practise saying no a little more, rather than squeezing every ounce of my days, there’s space for a little more patience. I’m also able to create space for empathy. Something I really want to model for my daughter. If I’m flappy and stressed all the time, she’ll likely grow up to hold herself to that example. But if I have the time to sit with her for a moment and empathise how frustrating it feels to not be able to get your shoes on the right feet, chances are we’ll both feel a little better. 

Create vs. consume

The best thing about Christmas is surely the experiences with the people we love. I know I’m definitely going to savour time spent creating with my daughter in the run up to Christmas. Creativity just makes me feel good. And it doesn’t have to be massive art project that take up half the room.

Creativity at Christmas is taking your time to choose the perfect tree and decorating it as a family. It’s scheduling in some easy baking activities or taking some experimental photos of your little ones playing with the mess of fairy lights (photo tip: underexposing and using a low f-number is a good place to start with this). Think about what Christmas really means to you and focus on that. We don’t have to spend a lot to achieve it and your version of Christmas doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s.

Plan for an intentional year ahead

Planning for a year I’m looking forward to get to helps me focus less on the overwhelm of Christmas and more on creating a life I can love. I’m not talking about New Year’s resolutions but something much deeper than that. Creating a vision of hope for the future. If you like the sound of this, you could ask yourself what it is I want to create for the year ahead? and start aligning yourself now towards those aims. Small steps is all it takes to get going.

Ideally, this shouldn’t involve writing up a massive list of goals and things to do that will only add to the stress but instead, a gentle practice of letting curiosity lead and leaning towards that things that light you up. Start developing a mindset in the simplest of ways- read books that align with your interests or listen to related podcasts. If you’re a busy mum, podcasts are a great way to squeeze a little inspiration into your day with very little effort. It’s a fallacy to assume we’re able to “find time” for these things. We don’t ever really find time, we make time. Ten mins a day spent exploring your interests is better than waiting to try to find an hour a week for it.

Gratitude

According to Happify research, just writing for a short amount each day in a gratitude journal can increase your happiness. A daily exercise of writing down the things that I’m are grateful for helps me a great deal. This might be recognition of things that have happened that day, things that I’ve been granted or given, or recognition of the things that have improved. 

I’m increasingly grateful for this growing community of likeminded souls. The women who inspire me daily on my quest for hope and joy in the face of loss. One of whom said to me recently during one of my down days: “There are no words but there are better days. And when there aren’t better days there will be better moments on those days, however small they are”. I’m eternally grateful for such wise words of comfort. There are opportunities for gratitude everywhere, even in grief. It’s helpful to recognise and embrace them as our ports in the storm. 

Allow the difficult feelings

Some days it might feel like there is little to be grateful for and that’s ok. I try to give myself permission to slow down, do less and explore the feelings of hurt when I’m really struggling. I’ve learned that trying to push these things away only makes me feel worse. 

Meditation is an excellent way to explore difficult feelings in a safe space. If it’s helpful, I wrote a blog post on getting started with meditation which you can read here. The Headspace app is a fantastic resources for beginners too. If you’re thinking of giving meditation a try it’s perhaps worth remembering that it’s a skill that takes practice, so go easy on yourself if it feels difficult at first.

TALK (but choose carefully)

“Share your stories with the people who’ve earned the right to hear them” - Brené Brown

Isn’t that a great bit of guidance?? It feels so obvious and yet I wanted to keep this point seperate because it feels so crucial. I’m slowly learning that although there’s a certain amount of things I need to get off my chest, it’s not necessarily helpful to share it with just anyone.

Ever had a vulnerability hangover from over-sharing on social media? This is where talking for the sake of talking can become less than helpful. Or maybe there’s someone in your family who just doesn’t understand what you’re going through right now. In reality there might only be one or two people in your life who’ve truly earned the right to hear your stories. You’ll know who they are by how you feel after you’ve shared your truth. When you work out who they are, keep them close to you. Those people are golden.

I’m going to try to keep these intentions in mind over the festive period. My hope is that with this gentle approach to frame my days, not only will it lead to a more enjoyable Christmas for me, but it will impact positively on those around me. Win win.

If you’re feeling the same, I hope this is helpful. For those of you navigating a similar parenting after loss journey, my Instagram DMs (@suziejaygoldsmith) are always open if you ever need someone to talk to.

Suzie x